Captain Ri and Yoon Seri lied to all of us - freshly roasted coffee is not as delicious as they said it is. Roasted beans should be left to rest for up to 10 days at least to allow for its structure to form. Yes, structure. Coffee has structure and I've fully experienced this just recently after having claimed to be a coffee addict for several years now. Reading Megan Markle's The Tig, I'd say now I understand when she described the wine having arms and legs as she took a sip. Same for coffee. I took a sip and I was transported back to my Christmas mornings, when there're chocolates and chestnuts and oranges and the cool breeze is too gentle it was too difficult to get off my pajamas. Nostalgia. Pure childhood umami. 

My dislike towards dessert coffee a.k.a. Starbucks is somehow justified. Asking for a double tall hot caramel macchiato is cool-sounding, but if I'll be honest it's too sweet and didn't really give me comfort on days I need it the most. It only gave me the opportunity to spend more money than I have to, and be alone in a table for two and think about why life sucks sometimes as I listen to classic jazz. 

I suck at latte art

So, am I going to ditch my coffee maker and ground coffee beans? Probably not. I mean, my coffee maker is my solitary companion during the days when my quarantine situation was at its worst. But maybe I should look for whole-bean coffee, grind it myself, and help farmers up their livelihood. Talk about farm to cup process. Too special. Pretty friendly to Mother Earth too. Shopee and Lazada have lots to offer on v60 sets and I can feel my surrender one of these days. I need it to make a decent elixir for my hyperacidic Ultimate Crush lol

Because it's more than just coffee. It's even more than a hug. It's the pixie dust for humans.

you two broke my heart with this lie :(

There might be spoilers ahead.

It wasn't until I updated my Goodreads reading challenge that I realized it took me almost an entire month to finish reading this book. The Nakano Thrift Shop is a slow read, a book that I'd likely curl up with on a rainy Sunday afternoon, except it's dry season in the Philippines and there's hardly any rain. Anyway, if you are after the plot, there is none. It's a character-based story written from Hitomi's point of view, the girl that works behind the counter of the shop. 

Warning: Spoilers ahead 

The first episode premiere of this drama stressed me out - it didn't have subtitles and I wanted to join the raffle where Kang Minhyuk gives away a bookshelf that he painted himself and I wanted it so bad (yes, because I'm a baby Boice)! Anyway, How To Be Thirty is his first drama after military discharge, and his hey-I-just-finished-serving-the-country glow just made him more adorable. As the story effectively delivered me from quite a stressful day, it didn't bring me to the place where there are no broken hearts unlike other Kdramas did. Pero nakakakilig pa rin!

Follow your instincts. If you feel like there's something wrong, chances are, there really is. I have no idea how many times my woman instinct could have saved me from disappointments and embarrassment had I not refused to follow it. That one summer evening many years ago I suddenly felt something wasn't quite right upon receiving a stray text message was enough to keep myself from major heartache. But of course, I shrugged it off and chose to trust (smhrn). Jiwon is the same. She had all the clues dancing in her face, saying "girl, you are in big trouble" but no. She chose to stay silent and did what made her heart flutter. 

Communication is the key to peace of mind. If you have something to say, say it. Be not afraid of confrontations. Oftentimes we're afraid to ask, and it's because we might not get a favorable response. There are lots of failed relationships that could have succeeded, could-have-been relationships that happened, and broken hearts that could have stayed intact if only one had cared to ask.

Why don't you go ahead and ask her!

If your man doesn't seem to get tired of you, keep him. Of course, this isn't a licence to be a perpetually plagued with unnecessary tantrums. The second lead syndrome in this drama is so real I am living for it. 

Find that guy who'd allow you to sleep peacefully when you're too drunk to remember the night. That guy who'd tell you he missed you in front of your friends. That guy who'd send you annoying text messages but never fail make you smile. That guy who'd allow you to cry alone but will be there to hold you once you're done being emotional. Find that guy who'd cook dinner for you after a long day. That guy who'd never get tired of telling you you're pretty, when you're drunk, after you wake up, and after you cried. And when you finally find him, keep him and never let go. 

Girl, you won't be smiling if it's annoying

Cry in the car all you want...

he'll be waiting outside

and hold you like everything's alright.

you're the cutest when you smile

Being alone is great, but sometimes it can get sad and lonely. Keep your friends close. I read somewhere that the most temporary people in your life you'll meet in your 20s. The friendships I was able to keep all these years started when I was a teenager - this drama actually felt like it was me and my other two high school friends whom I established a book club with. I guess the reason why I do not feel sad and lonely despite being single for a long time is because of friends who manage to fill in the gaps. Kim has always been my source of motivation and validation. Nicole, a source of further wisdom. Khendi, my sister from another mom. Miss Eve, my fangirling buddy. And these days, Glaiza and Sugar, my harot confidantes. Keep your friends - they are the only ones who'd come running when you call late at night just because you feel like crying. 

Your first love may not be your last, and that's okay. Not all coincidences in life are called fate. There, I said it. But it's a wonderful feeling when a long lost love suddenly ignites and all the good memories come rushing in. Please do not be fooled. Because sometimes, things happen for no reason at all. It may be that the person you've been longing to be with is not the same person you figured he or she would be. But that's okay. At least, you'd learn that you deserve more. You deserve better. 

there are memories that are not meant to be relived

How To Be Thirty is a short drama that teaches us how handle things that are not exclusive for adults, like our feelings. Being young and naive do not invalidate your love towards a person. Likewise, being thirty and being more experienced in relationships do not mean we'd know exactly what to do when we're caught in situations we wouldn't even begin to imagine. I dare you watch this drama if you're 30 and feel like you know what to do about everything. 

xo

Uh-hmm... it's 0150 and I can't seem to sleep. I just finished watching that Kdrama about adulting, the one that I should have finished watching over the weekend had I not chosen to lay on the bed and stare at the ceiling for hours. Come to think of it, is it still a do-nothing day if your mind's not empty? Probably not. But that has become my way of coping. Especially these days when there's nowhere to go but the kitchen, the bathroom, and the happy corner in my room. When everything appears to be falling  apart and there's nothing else you can do but to watch idly as things break in front of you, you just stare at nowhere and wonder if life has ever been kind to you at one point. I don't really need to wonder about that, though. Life has been more than enough kind to me. I still a have a job. My family's intact. I've place to live. I've friends to call when I need help.

Maybe I am just anxious. Another year has gone and it's the season where I once again ask myself what I have done. Did I accomplish anything? Did I do anything good the past year? Did I learn anything? Did I make something to be proud of? Am I living up to my purpose? Do I even know my purpose? These are questions I dread to face the answer, but eventually I have to. 

April, you're halfway through. What am I supposed to do? 😅

What Turns You On album, CNBLUE

If hospital walls could speak, what kind of stories could they tell me, I would often wonder during the lonely afternoons I spent in the ICU many years ago. I figured it must be fascinating to hear stories of triumph over death, and of course heartbreaking to hear tales of defeat. Years later, I stumbled upon this book, and surprise surprise! It somehow resonates what I was thinking. Reading it was like listening to one of the walls that surrounded me when I was seemingly counting my every breath. And I should say the stories were all so vivid that I could smell the smells (disinfectant mixed with detergent). I could see the faceless crowd walking back and forth in hospital's dim corridors. I could hear the hush voices of the nurses drowned in the beep of the vital signs monitor.

From the doctor's point of view

If I am to write a non-fiction book, I'd write about my myasthenia gravis journey. I'd write about my hospital misadventures - the horrors of misdiagnosis, the fear of hearing the straight line not knowing if I'm next (well I do not fear death but I still want to enjoy life as long as I can), the excruciating pain of intubation, and maybe even the kind of banana that'll be served for lunch depending on the patient's socioeconomic status (I meant for this to be a comic relief but it's not funny). Some Days You Can't Save Them All is almost the same for the most part, except that it's coming from the perspective of the other party. It's what the other side of the coin looks like. It's the part that made me understand that maybe I shouldn't have hated it when there used to be med students during my consultations, asking me questions I've already answered three times that day (please, I'm sorry). It's the side of the story that made me realize that doctors can only do so much, and I am fortunate enough to have met amazing doctors that made my MG journey bearable. It's the side of the story that says patients are not the only ones frustrated when procedures aren't done and meds aren't taken due to lack of funds. And somehow it's an apology, for there are times when doctors say things that shouldn't be said (tiis na lang muna, talagang ganyan ang MG) and it's too late for them to realize it and eventually be ashamed of themselves. Well, I guess not all doctors realize it when they're at fault but maybe most of them do. 

This is what the Philippine healthcare system looks like

Some days you could not save them all, but my patients - with their promise of a good story - reminded me that I should never stop trying. - Ron Baticulon, Some Days You Can't Save Them All

xo