You are allowed to...

I wanted to ditch this blog. 

I haven't been myself lately, especially in this space, and hate this feeling. I've been overthinking what to write and what to share when I told myself over and over that this space is my breather where I am allowed to talk about the fun stuff, the good stuff, and more bad stuff. Damn, I terribly miss the days when all I cared about was my scheduled MG clinic visits to pick up my prescription and meet with my MG friends and we'll talk about all kinds of stuff over cups of McDonald's coffee until dusk, and Ate Dee would remember that she's from Cavite and it's time to say goodbye and call it a day. Those days were gold. I was glowing and life was more simple. Productive. Happier.

It's not that I am not happy these days. But then, not everyday I am happy and motivated. There are days when all I want to do is lie in bed, stare at the ceiling for hours and wonder if I am really where I am supposed to be doing what I am supposed to do. Do I really have my shit together just like my friends would tell me? Am I really doing my best when no one pats me in the back other than myself telling me that I did well today? Nicole suggested that maybe, I just need to do something spontaneous to ignite my fire again. I think it might work, but is that what I really need to begin with? Igniting my old fire?

Then I thought starting over is what I truly need. And I am allowed to start over. I am allowed to create a life that I will fall in love with, even if that means rebuilding it from scratch. Much like how I am allowed to leave the places where I no longer feel belongingness, give up toxic relationships, and cut friendships based on lies. And I am allowed to do all of these without explaining myself to anyone.

Yet here I am, still willing to stay in this corner of the cyberspace I call home since 2016. Because I figured this is the place that opened a lot of doors for me. This is the space that gave me the chance to meet exciting people. This blog holds all the things I'd rather not say to anyone in particular. And I am choosing to keep those good memories. 

Because starting over doesn't necessarily mean leaving everything behind. Rebuilding a new life can also mean keeping the good memories as motivation to move forward. So I guess that means I'll be staying here, but I'll start telling truly raw and relatable experiences with no holding back. 

And remember, you can do it too. Because you are allowed to.